WASHINGTON — President Trump’s long-promised “big, beautiful bill” to save America from whatever he last tweeted about is reportedly being derailed by the continued survival of low-income Americans who insist on accessing health care. House Republicans are now split between those in swing districts and those who think hospitals are liberal indoctrination centers.
Moderate Republicans are demanding that Medicaid remain intact, claiming their constituents like not dying in parking lots. “We’d love to gut the whole thing,” said one unnamed congressman, “but voters keep crying during town halls.” Elsewhere, in headlines that won’t even ruffle your apathy, hardliners argue that compassion is a slippery slope toward socialism, and the only true freedom is untreated diabetes.
The president has described the bill as “incredible, the best, better than Lincoln’s,” though no one, including Trump, seems clear on what’s actually in it. Early drafts reportedly included tax cuts, a commemorative coin, and a clause that defines poverty as a personal branding failure. Negotiators have struggled to reconcile factions who want to cut Medicaid slowly with those who want to cut it faster than a Food Network chef on Adderall.
White House aides have reassured the public that Trump remains focused on the issue, despite recent remarks praising “Medicare for Generals.” Sources say the president has expressed openness to compromise, so long as the bill includes a section titled “Victory” in gold embossed lettering.
As talks stall, some lawmakers are floating alternative solutions, like renaming Medicaid “TrumpAid” and printing his face on every prescription bottle. The bill’s fate remains uncertain, with GOP members unsure whether to betray their voters or their donors first. Over in the corner of reality no one asked to visit, Americans below the poverty line have reportedly begun practicing deep breathing techniques in lieu of insulin.
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