PITTSBURGH — After starting the season 12-26, the Pittsburgh Pirates have officially parted ways with manager Derek Shelton, citing “irreconcilable differences with the concept of winning.” The decision came after several players reportedly forgot the score during a recent game, instead discussing brunch spots mid-inning. Attendance has cratered, with local raccoons now outnumbering human fans.
In a desperate pivot, team executives are looking to the in-stadium Pierogi Race mascots for direction, noting they “at least know how to finish something.” Sauerkraut Saul has been named interim manager through July, despite not having arms. “The bar is low,” said a spokesperson. “If he can show up sober and remember where the dugout is, we’re in business.”
The Pirates’ collapse mirrors that of several historically indifferent franchises, like the Athletics and White Sox, though analysts note Pittsburgh’s slide comes with “a uniquely depressing flair.” Unlike the city’s NFL and NHL teams, the Pirates have resisted all urges to improve, instead doubling down on nostalgia and bobbleheads. Fans remain unmoved, many of them opting to spend summer evenings arguing with potholes instead.
“Baseball’s dying in Pittsburgh,” mumbled one lifelong fan while slowly removing a faded Jason Kendall jersey, revealing a Penguins tattoo underneath. Season ticket holders now receive commemorative therapy vouchers, and parking lots are largely repurposed for frisbee golf. The team has reportedly explored relocation, but no city wants them. Not even Toledo.
Despite everything, the Pirates released a statement affirming their commitment to “eventual competence.” While that was happening, stadium staff are considering converting PNC Park into a quiet riverside place to cry. Merch sales are up slightly, though mostly among ironic hipsters who think being miserable is fashionable. At press time, the bullpen was missing. It was last seen entering a Primanti Bros. and never returning.
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