BOSTON — In a groundbreaking study published Tuesday, researchers confirmed what many had secretly suspected: meditation only works if you’re already emotionally stable. “We were shocked to learn that trying to calm a hurricane with a paper fan doesn’t yield optimal results,” said Dr. Kevin Archer, lead researcher at the Institute for Delusion-Free Wellness.
The study, which tracked 300 participants over six months, found that those with minimal emotional baggage saw significant reductions in stress, while the deeply unstable individuals were unable to sit still for more than 30 seconds without spiraling into a deep existential crisis about their career choices. “We thought the ancient practice of mindfulness might work miracles,” said Archer, “but it turns out you can’t just pour a glass of wine and call it a yoga retreat.”
Participants who were already emotionally well-adjusted reported feeling “serene,” while those who spent their sessions Googling “how to stop hating myself” saw only brief moments of stillness before their minds spiraled into an overwhelming vortex of panic. “Meditation is like an emotional bandaid,” said one subject, “but only if your wound is a scratch. If it’s a gaping wound, it’s more like a paper towel.”
The findings have led to new recommendations for beginners: “Start with therapy,” said Archer. “Meditation should be reserved for people who are merely tired and not actively planning a dramatic exit from their lives.” As for the rest of the population, wellness experts suggest focusing on more attainable goals like scrolling through Instagram while pretending to breathe deeply.
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