VATICAN CITY — In his first Mass as Pope Leo XIV, the newly elected leader of the Catholic Church described his ascension as both “a cross and a blessing,” leaving cardinals quietly wondering how long before the blessing part shows up. Church officials confirmed the Vatican’s incense budget was already 60% smoke and 40% stress.
Born in Chicago and a lifelong White Sox fan, Leo XIV becomes the first American pope in history, immediately sparking debate over whether hot dogs can be consumed during Lent. “He’s humble, prayerful, and already trying to convert the Swiss Guard into a bullpen,” said one Vatican aide while watching the new pope bless a baseball signed by Frank Thomas.
Insiders say Leo XIV spent most of the conclave in quiet reflection and occasional muttering about bullpen rotations. His election was reportedly secured after promising to address declining church attendance and to stop calling limbo “a celestial waiting room.” One cardinal admitted, “We were just relieved he doesn’t use the term ‘vibes-based theology’ unironically.”
The pope’s sermon emphasized unity, compassion, and the importance of not booing other religions unless they start it first. Sources close to the pontiff say he’s already planning a pilgrimage to South Side Chicago and may canonize a bartender who once gave him a free beer for quoting Aquinas.
Reactions among the faithful remain mixed. Some Catholics say it’s a hopeful new chapter, while others worry about American-style homilies featuring PowerPoints. Vatican officials remain tight-lipped, though one did confirm the new pope referred to Saint Peter’s Basilica as “a real fixer-upper with potential.” For now, Leo XIV has asked for daily prayers, patience, and, if possible, cable access to catch afternoon games during the Council of Cardinals.
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