MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Executives at Google expressed genuine shock this week after learning that quietly owning the digital lungs, heart, and kidneys of the internet might violate antitrust laws. The company, founded on the principle of “Don’t Be Evil” and later revised to “Don’t Be Boring,” now faces a government-mandated slap on the wrist.
The U.S. Department of Justice concluded its case against Google by pointing out that when users say “search it,” they really mean “Google it,” unless they’re over 70 or serving a prison sentence. “We never forced anyone,” claimed one Google lawyer. “We just offered a choice: use us or get lost in the algorithmic woods forever.”
Analysts say Google’s empire grew subtly over the years through friendly acquisitions of small companies that now power global infrastructure and your mother’s Gmail. YouTube, Android, Chrome, Maps, and Docs were all part of what one DOJ official described as “a perfectly legal hug that turned into a headlock.” Google responded by emailing everyone the entire case file in a document titled “Let’s Innovate, Not Litigate.”
The ruling, which potentially opens the door to competition, was met with confusion by consumers who genuinely don’t remember how to change default settings. “I guess I could try Bing,” said one user while blinking into the existential void. “But like… why?” Google has announced it will appeal the decision or at least make it incredibly hard to find using any non-Google browser.
For now, the tech giant remains operational, releasing a calm statement reminding users their phones, cars, TVs, thermostats, and possibly children already run on Google systems. The DOJ has encouraged citizens to explore alternatives, though most have reportedly Googled, “What even is an alternative to Google?”
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