CUSCO, PERU — 23-year-old backpacker Kyle Denton found himself accidentally inducted into a midnight blood rite Tuesday after booking what he believed was a “rustic but authentic” hillside hostel with excellent Wi-Fi and “spiritual energy” on HostelFinder.com. He called the experience “deeply unsettling but, like, meaningful,” and said the breakfast was surprisingly good.
The Oregon native, traveling post-breakup to “reconnect with the universe,” said things felt off when the receptionist handed him a black cloak instead of a room key. “I just assumed it was eco-tourism,” Denton noted. He was escorted into a torchlit cavern where he was gently bound to a ceremonial slab and offered fermented yam wine. He drank it, citing hostel etiquette.
Despite a brief moment where a knife hovered over his chest and chanting reached a fever pitch, Denton described the atmosphere as “super communal.” He later learned the ritual was meant to summon the Moon Womb of Mother Devourer, a pre-Incan deity that demands one male soul per quarter moon. “I felt really seen,” he wrote in his review. “Like I mattered.” He deducted one star because the bathrooms were outside and the walls didn’t block out screams.
Local authorities found Denton dazed but glowing, covered in llama blood and rave paint, three kilometers from the hostel. The cult released him after determining he had “the wrong kind of aura,” which was later confirmed by a local shaman as “American white guilt.” Denton said he plans to return someday “to finish what we started.”
In other tasteless news, HostelFinder issued a revised description for the listing: Remote hilltop lodge. Strong sense of community. Not for light sleepers. Denton hearted the update. “Finally,” he said, “something genuine.”
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