ROME — After just two days of deliberation, white smoke signaled the election of a new pontiff, later revealed to be Cardinal Luigi Bellini, now Pope Pius XIII. Vatican insiders confirm this marks the Church’s first attempt at a “diet papacy,” stripping away centuries of tradition in favor of a more streamlined, user-friendly spiritual experience.
The new Pope Lite™ will feature shorter masses, a simplified sin hierarchy, and optional confession via app. Critics argue this waters down sacred doctrine, but supporters insist it’s the only way to compete with modern spirituality. “People want salvation, just not the guilt and kneeling,” explained one Vatican tech consultant.
Traditionalists were horrified when the new pope emerged not on the balcony, but in a viral TikTok announcement set to a remix of Gregorian chant. His first decree? Rebranding hell as “the Eternal Unsubscribe Button.” Analysts predict further updates, including a freemium model for sacraments and premium indulgences for direct venmo donations.
The move comes as the Church struggles with declining attendance, though skeptics warn a “Pope 2.0” update won’t fix its core bugs. For now, Protestant leaders are reportedly scrambling to launch their own Reformation+ subscription service. As for the faithful? Early reviews are mixed, with one parishioner noting, “It’s nice, but I miss the old-school fire and brimstone.”
Vatican officials assure this is just Phase One, with plans for a fully digital Vatican by 2030. Whether this saves souls or just boosts engagement metrics remains to be seen. Either way, the gates of heaven now accept Apple Pay.
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