CALIFORNIA — In a mind-altering leap forward for socially awkward tech, Meta unveiled its latest AI glasses featuring super-sensing facial recognition. The glasses promise to revolutionize human interaction by instantly identifying everyone in the room, including that one coworker who still doesn’t remember your name. Early testers report the device also suggests escape routes when detecting an unwanted conversation.
Critics argue the glasses edge uncomfortably close to dystopian surveillance, but Meta insists they’re simply a “fun tool for modern living.” The glasses can discreetly display a person’s name, job title, and even their most embarrassing social media post. Privacy advocates are horrified, while LinkedIn users are already preordering in bulk. One beta tester praised the feature that auto-generates small talk, calling it “better than my personality.”
The optional “Panic Mode” activates when the system detects an ex or a known bore, immediately summoning a ride share or fake emergency call. Some worry this could lead to entire parties abruptly emptying, but Meta assures users the feature is purely for convenience. When asked if this was the first step toward a Black Mirror episode, a spokesperson replied, “That’s a premium feature.”
Sales are expected to skyrocket among people who hate people but still go out. In today’s completely unforeseen twist, those without the glasses will continue the ancient tradition of pretending to check their phones until it’s safe to leave. Meta’s next update may include a “judgment filter” to subtly adjust how attractive everyone appears, because reality was already overrated.
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