WASHINGTON — House Republicans unveiled their mind-boggling new economic plan Monday or maybe it was Tuesday? Anyways, they are proposing a $4.5 trillion tax cut that will allegedly be paid for through unspecified spending cuts, vibes-based budgeting, and the eventual discovery of a magic money tree. Tax writers expressed confidence that the numbers would work out, as long as nobody asks how.
Sources confirm the plan relies heavily on other congressional committees slashing budgets, despite those same committees currently struggling to agree on whether water should be wet. When pressed for details, one GOP aide shrugged and said, “Look, we’ll just cut whatever poor people like. That usually works.” Economists warn this could lead to minor side effects, like the collapse of society.
The White House praised the proposal, with President Trump calling it “the best tax cut, maybe ever.” Treasury Secretary Larry Kudlow was seen frantically googling “how to print money without causing inflation.” In other exciting news, Democrats criticized the plan as “fantasy economics,” to which Republicans replied, “Yes, and?” The bill is expected to pass just as soon as lawmakers finish arguing over which federal programs are “luxuries,” like schools or oxygen.
Analysts predict the tax cuts will overwhelmingly benefit the wealthy, and Republicans describe it as “job creators” while everyone else calls it “the reason we can’t have nice things.” When asked about the national debt, one congressman laughed and said, “That’s 2026’s problem.” The IRS has already begun preparing by firing all its auditors and replacing them with a single “Donate Here” PayPal link.
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