NEW YORK — Local financial wizard Trent Peterson has cracked the code to Wall Street success, amassing a fortune by simply taking nearly all of his clients’ money upfront. The hedge fund manager charges a modest 5% fee, ensuring investors keep whatever scraps remain after his third yacht payment clears. Experts call it “innovative,” while clients call it “highway robbery with Excel spreadsheets.”
Peterson’s strategy is simple: convince people that handing over their life savings to a man who wears $5,000 suits is smarter than buying gold, real estate, or literally anything else. “Stocks return 6-7% historically,” Peterson explained, “so if I take 5%, they still come out ahead. Technically.” When reminded that math suggests otherwise, he shrugged and ordered another bottle of Dom Pérignon.
The 1929 market crash was brought up as a cautionary tale, but Peterson dismissed it as “ancient history.” He assured reporters that modern finance is much safer, aside from the occasional collapse, bailout, or existential crisis. “Besides,” he added, “if things go south, I’ll be fine. My fees are recession-proof.”
Warren Buffett once quipped that Wall Street is where the rich get advice from the subway-riding poor, but Peterson has upgraded to a private helicopter. His clients, however, still take the train, assuming they haven’t been forced to sell their MetroCards. When asked if he feels guilty, Peterson laughed. “Guilt is a poor man’s emotion. I prefer cash.”
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