WASHINGTON — In a landmark move to protect children from financial ruin, HoYoverse announced Monday that Genshin Impact players under 16 must now prove their age before spending their college funds on digital waifus. The $20 million FTC settlement ensures minors can still play the game, but their crippling gacha addiction must now be cosigned by a responsible adult.
Critics argue the new rules fail to address the real issue, which is that grown adults are still dropping rent money for a 0.6% chance at a pixelated swordsman. HoYoverse defended its loot boxes as “surprise mechanics,” a term also used by casinos to describe slot machines. Parents were relieved to learn their credit cards remain the ultimate boss battle.
The FTC praised the settlement as a win for transparency, though odds of it actually changing anything remain roughly equal to pulling a five-star character. In the mean time, teenagers across America are reportedly forging permission slips with the same diligence they apply to skipping math class. HoYoverse assured players the game’s core experience remains unchanged, including the existential dread of wasting 100 pulls on a duplicate weapon.
Analysts predict the next logical step will be age-verifying parents to ensure they’re sober enough to understand what they’re approving. Until then, the company recommends minors “ask nicely” before bankrupting their families. The update goes live in July, just in time for summer vacation mental breakdowns.
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