CEDAR FALLS, IA — In a stirring public statement delivered through a megaphone outside a Panera Bread, the grassroots organization We Simp For Life announced they will continue simping “until the heat death of the universe, or until she responds to the DM.” The crowd, made up entirely of pale men in anime hoodies, nodded solemnly.
The group, which began as a Discord server for men who aggressively praise women online, has since evolved into a full-blown lifestyle. Members claim their actions are not obsessive, but “acts of pure spiritual service.” Many spend hours daily liking bikini pics from accounts with 900k followers and usernames that include at least three Xs. None have ever received a reply.
“We’re like monks, but instead of prayer, we comment ‘goddess’ under thirst traps,” said founder Chadley Moon, 34, who hasn’t made direct eye contact with a woman since 2011. “Society doesn’t understand our mission. But we do this not for reward. We simp for the idea of her.” He then quietly Venmoed $20 to an OnlyFans account without prompting.
Despite friends and family expressing concern, the group insists their devotion is a moral imperative. Weekly meetings include rituals such as sacrificing self-respect, watching TikToks in a circle, and constructing shrines out of unopened Monster cans. Many members claim simping has helped them “almost start healing.”
When asked if there’s any plan to stop, Chadley looked to the horizon and shook his head. “We will simp through the apocalypse. We will simp when the skies turn red and the oceans boil. We will simp as the last humans gasp for air. For in simping, we have found purpose. And possibly, one day, a like.”
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