NEW YORK — Wall Street wobbled like a drunk tightrope walker Wednesday as the Federal Reserve announced it would do absolutely nothing about interest rates, citing “stagflation risk” 17 times in a single press conference. Investors were left to interpret whether this meant economic doom or just Powell’s new favorite Scrabble word. The Dow responded by fluctuating wildly between panic and mild indigestion.
Powell endured a barrage of reporter questions, each dumber than the last, with the patience of a man who knows his salary is inflation-proof. “No, we’re not cutting rates. No, we’re not hiking them. Yes, ‘stagflation risk’ is still a thing,” he repeated, sounding increasingly like a broken ATM. Economists noted this marks the 14th consecutive meeting where the Fed’s strategy amounted to “wait and see if it fixes itself.”
Times reporter Sylvia Lawless watched Powell’s eye twitch as yet another reporter asked about rate cuts. In that moment, she knew: he wasn’t thinking about inflation targets. He was mentally foxtrotting with a gold-digging amateur salsa instructor named Destiny.
For now, Wall Street traders alternated between hyperventilating into paper bags and placing bets on how long Powell could say “stagflation risk” before developing a nervous tic. The term has now officially surpassed “transitory” as the Fed’s most meaningless buzzword, though insiders confirm “please clap” remains a close third. Analysts suggest the next rate decision may be determined by a coin flip, or possibly a game of Rock Paper Scissors.
Consumers were advised to prepare for continued economic purgatory, where prices keep rising but wages don’t, a phenomenon economists call “late-stage capitalism’s greatest hits.” Powell concluded the conference by reminding everyone he’s just as confused as they are, but gets paid significantly more to pretend otherwise. The next meeting is scheduled for June, assuming the economy hasn’t spontaneously combusted by then.
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