MESA, AZ — Alphabet subsidiary Waymo announced Monday that its sleek new factory in Mesa is now fully operational, producing 2,000 robotaxis annually, all of which are pre-programmed to mistake toddlers for traffic cones within 30 minutes of roll-out. Executives called it a milestone in “streamlined, scalable human indifference.”
The 239,000-square-foot facility boasts “climate consistency,” ideal for debugging AI that shuts down when confronted with puddles or moral ambiguity. Inside, contract workers from Magna lovingly install Waymo’s sixth-gen self-driving system, ensuring each vehicle is fully equipped to perform a flawless California rolling stop while ignoring eye contact from crosswalk-bound pedestrians.
Waymo’s latest fleet consists of Jaguar I-Pace EVs, repurposed from luxury to vaguely sinister. With over 1,500 already on roads, the company claims the robotaxis can now drive directly into public service less than half an hour after birth, which coincidentally is also when they develop a strong, legally binding sense of self-preservation over passenger loyalty.
Executives insist the choice of Mesa was strategic, citing weather stability, lack of regulatory spine, and ample space to store spare bumpers. The vehicles, once assembled, are deployed to major cities like Los Angeles and Austin, where they are reportedly programmed to sigh audibly if hailed for trips under three miles.
A spokesperson said the vehicles are built with “scalable empathy,” a feature which, when activated, flashes a comforting dashboard message after the fifth near-death experience in a single trip. Waymo is already exploring additional models, including the Zeekr RT, expected later this year, designed to run silently through neighborhoods while pondering the statistical value of your life.
Mesa residents have welcomed the factory, mainly because it doesn’t try to sell them pest control services while running them over.
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