WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump casually announced today that international trade agreements are “more like fun party favors than actual laws,” leaving White House advisors questioning their life choices. “We don’t have to sign deals,” Trump clarified, while an aide in the background mouthed oh god we do to a nearby potted plant. Economists predict markets will now fluctuate based solely on Trump’s mood after his third Diet Coke.
Insiders report the trade team has resorted to hiding pens to prevent impulsive policy changes. “Last week he tried to replace NAFTA with a handshake deal he saw in a mafia movie,” whispered one visibly twitching advisor. Another was seen rocking in a supply closet, muttering about how their MBA never covered “presidential whims as an act of God.”
In the mean time, foreign diplomats have adopted a strategy of nodding politely while discreetly texting their superiors send help. China reportedly sent a fruit basket with a note reading please take these instead of our industries. When asked if tariffs could destabilize global markets, Trump shrugged and said, “Markets love surprises! Like toys in cereal. Or divorce papers.”
Therapy appointments among staff have spiked 400%, with one counselor specializing in “executive branch trauma” now offering a bulk discount. “I don’t want therapy, I need therapy,” admitted one advisor, clutching a stress ball shaped like the Constitution. White House janitors confirm the West Wing’s new scent is burned coffee and existential dread.
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