Washington, D.C. – In a desperate plea for professionalism, Trump’s inner circle has reportedly begged the former president to stop making off-the-cuff jokes, particularly the ones about his wife, Melania. Advisers claim his humor is landing flatter than a Biden campaign promise, with one aide muttering, “We get it, marriage is hard. Now shut up before the memes get worse.”
Sources say Trump’s latest gag involves quipping that Melania only smiles “for good-looking strangers,” a bit he insists is “killing overseas.” Unfortunately, the only thing dying is his team’s will to live. “He fancies himself the next Don Rickles, but he’s more like Joe Rogan,” sighed a campaign staffer, already drafting their exit post for LinkedIn.
In a twist so unexpected it loops right back to expected, Trump has casually mentioned he’ll remain in office “longer than people think,” sparking panic among aides who assumed he meant figuratively. “Please don’t let him mean literally,” whispered one strategist, mentally pricing one-way tickets to Uruguay. The statement also confused historians, who noted that unless he’s planning a coup from the golf cart, his math isn’t mathing.
In related news, Melania was spotted grinning ear-to-ear with an unidentified handsome man at a fundraiser, proving once again that life’s too short to explain your husband’s comedy routine. “See? She’s happy,” Trump reportedly crowed, missing the point so hard it should count as a disability. His advisers, however, remain grimly focused on damage control, or as they call it, “Tuesday.”
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