LAS VEGAS, NV — Local entertainer Brandi Vallencourt reported a miraculous encounter early Sunday when Jesus Christ appeared to her post-shift, delivering divine affirmation between her fifth lap dance and a much-needed cigarette break. “He said He loved me just the way I was,” Vallencourt shared, visibly moved. “Which, honestly, was a relief—my feet were killing me.”
Eyewitnesses confirm the Son of God lingered near the VIP section, declining drink offers but enthusiastically praising the club’s “positive energy.” “He kept saying, ‘I’m open-minded,’” recalled bouncer Derek Mills. “Then He tipped $20 on a water and vanished. Poof. Like my will to live after the 3 AM crowd shows up.”
Theological scholars are divided on the visitation’s significance. Some argue it reaffirms Christ’s message of unconditional love, while others note He suspiciously avoided eye contact during the pole routine to “WAP.” Vallencourt remains unfazed. “If the King of Kings is cool with my job, maybe my mom should be too,” she mused, adjusting her sequined pasties.
Club management has since added “Personal Savior” to the list of acceptable roles for guest appearances, right between “bachelor party clown” and “aggressive crypto promoter.” Regulars now hope for encore visits, though Jesus has yet to RSVP to “Thirsty Thursdays.”
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