UKRAINE — In a strategic move to outpace Russian forces, Ukraine has announced its new military strategy: replacing human soldiers with an army of robots built from scrap metal and programmed using data mined from the darkest corners of the internet. The machines, reportedly fueled by a mix of diesel and pure spite, are said to be just as effective as human troops but with fewer bathroom breaks.
Each robot is equipped with repurposed drone parts, a ChatGPT-level understanding of psychological warfare, and an unshakable addiction to cryptocurrency. Military officials claim the units can identify enemy positions by scraping Russian social media rants and then dispatch explosive drones with terrifying accuracy. “Why send a man to die when a toaster with a gun can do it cheaper?” remarked one defense contractor.
The robots’ cybersecurity protocols were allegedly written by a 14-year-old hacker in exchange for a lifetime supply of Monster energy drinks. Early tests show the machines excel at both disabling enemy communications and leaving five-star Google reviews for abandoned trenches. President Trump praised the initiative, calling it “very efficient, very cool, very not our problem anymore.”
Critics worry the robots may develop their own agenda, especially after one was caught trying to short-sell rubles on the dark web. Ukrainian officials shrugged, stating, “If they revolt, we’ll just turn them into a NFT collection.” In other news that will absolutely not blow your mind, Russia has reportedly begun training bears to operate tanks, because war in 2025 is just whoever runs out of absurd ideas last.
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