OMAHA, NE — A Saturday night pizza order spiraled into a full-blown ideological war when 34-year-old Derek Lutz casually suggested adding black olives to the toppings list. Witnesses say the dining room went silent as relatives processed the unspeakable atrocity, unsure whether to confront Derek or just quietly delete him from future holidays.
The incident reportedly began when Derek asked, “What if we tried olives?” prompting his cousin Ethan to inhale sharply like someone had just praised Stalin at Thanksgiving. An aunt visibly trembled before excusing herself to “pray it away.” Derek, confused by the reaction, doubled down by suggesting green olives might add “a briny contrast,” which triggered Grandpa Harold to clutch his chest and mutter about World War II.
Attempts at peacekeeping failed when Derek’s sister yelled that olives were “a fascist topping” used only by people who hate cheese and joy. A cousin from Ohio, whose therapy is apparently not working, screamed that olives once ruined her birthday in 2003. Tensions peaked when the family dog growled at Derek unprovoked, likely sensing the moral decay radiating from his anchovy-adjacent suggestion.
Local therapists say the emotional damage from topping-based trauma runs deep. “Some people haven’t processed what happened during the pineapple debates,” said Dr. Karen Whipple, who specializes in pizza-induced familial trauma. “Black olives just reignite that pain.” Derek has since been placed on a group text “for logistics only.”
Despite the fallout, Derek remains unapologetic. “I just wanted to try something new. Maybe I was naive.” He later told reporters he plans to bring a goat cheese flatbread to next month’s potluck and “see who’s still brave enough to have a conversation in this country.”
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