CALIFORNIA — In a vanity pivot so inevitable it was practically foretold in the Book of Revelations, Khloé Kardashian has announced her latest body modification goal: merging both buttocks into one flawless, spherical orb. The reality star, who once chased the elusive “thigh gap,” now seeks a rear so firm and round it could be used as a geological reference for “perfect curvature.”
Sources confirm Khloé has enlisted a team of engineers and sculptors to “streamline” her lower half, eliminating unnecessary legs in favor of a single, uninterrupted glute. “Why have two separate cheeks when you can have one majestic, self-sustaining dome?” she reportedly asked while doing squats on a vibrating platform. Critics argue this violates basic human anatomy, but fans are already Photoshop-bending themselves into singular-butt beings.
Fitness gurus are divided, with some calling it “the natural next step” and others quietly Googling “can you walk with just a butt?” In other skull-numbing news, plastic surgeons are reportedly racing to patent the “Monobutt Procedure,” which promises to fuse, lift, and rotate cheeks into a “perpetually photo-ready 360-degree bulge.”
The Kardashian-Jenner family has voiced cautious support, though insiders say Kris Jenner is already trademarking “Bubble Queen.” Khloé remains undeterred, scheduling her final leg-to-butt conversion for next month. “I don’t need mobility,” she declared. “I need posterior perfection.”
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