PITTSBURGH, PA — Citing the unstable job market and her dwindling hope, local college sophomore Melissa Crane declared Tuesday that if her $42,000-a-year liberal arts education isn’t going to guarantee her a stable career, then she might as well keep having sex with her 48-year-old history professor during office hours.
Melissa, who has been studying postcolonial literature and napping through macroeconomics, says she realized the futility of her education after Googling “What jobs can you get with a philosophy minor?” and finding mostly blog posts written by bartenders. She maintains the affair is “pragmatic,” citing the free lattes, lenient grading, and emotional warmth absent from student loan servicers.
“College is supposed to prepare you for life,” said Crane, adjusting the cardigan she “accidentally” left in Professor Ellison’s faculty housing. “But no one told me that life would involve choosing between an unpaid internship and seasonal depression.” She says she views the relationship as a sort of elective. “He’s got tenure. That’s more job security than I’ll ever have.”
When reached for comment, Professor Ellison explained that Melissa showed a “deep curiosity” in post-war European ideology and had “really grown as a scholar,” particularly in his bed. He then asked to go off record and muttered something about his wife’s book club meeting being rescheduled.
Despite concerns from peers and three anonymous Reddit posts referencing “the creepy guy in Room 312,” Melissa remains committed to her academic strategy. “If networking is the key to success, I’m just doing it horizontally,” she said. “Besides, this is exactly what Simone de Beauvoir would do. Probably.” Crane says if employment prospects don’t improve by graduation, she may consider law school, heroin, or both.
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