MANAUS, BRAZIL — In what conservationists are calling “an understandable mistake,” 47-year-old Florida native Rick Donnelly was tranquilized, tagged, and released into the Amazon rainforest Wednesday after being mistaken for a rare, shirtless primate known only to wander with beer and unpredictable energy levels. Rick had reportedly just fallen off a riverboat while flexing for Instagram.
Biologists on the scene said Rick’s aggressive chest pounding and unintelligible hollering matched recent trail cam footage of an unclassified species nicknamed “Sunburned Ape.” Despite his protests, Rick was netted, scanned for rabies, and fitted with a GPS collar labeled “North American Hairless Screamer.” His attempts to explain his identity were ignored, possibly due to his Crocs and tribal tattoo confusing local researchers.
“He displayed typical behaviors,” said Dr. Paulo Mendes. “He drank something out of a can, attempted to mate with a tree, and got sunstroke within minutes.” Mendes confirmed that Rick was released near a sloth sanctuary to “see what happens.” Several sloths were later reported to be mildly annoyed and less inclined to trust bipedal mammals.
Attempts to locate Rick have failed as his tracking collar stopped transmitting shortly after he tried to cook a snake with a vape battery. Locals claim to have seen him wrestling with a capybara while shouting “Go Gators,” though experts believe this could also be a recurring hallucination among ecotourists.
U.S. officials have issued a formal request to recover Rick, though they admit “this sort of thing happens.” Rick’s family remains hopeful but mostly embarrassed. His brother stated, “We knew something was off when he packed nothing but protein powder and one sock.” Scientists say they will update his Wikipedia entry if he survives long enough to do something interesting.
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