WASHINGTON — In what officials are calling a “clerical whoopsie,” the U.S. government confirmed Thursday that a swirling pit of eternal damnation, accidentally opened during a routine infrastructure bill signing, has been granted full tax-exempt status after filing the correct 501(c)(3) paperwork under the name Church of Infinite Suffering International Ministries.
According to White House aides, the portal appeared moments after a senator spilled Monster Energy on a ceremonial copy of the bill. “We thought it was just a sinkhole,” said one aide. “Then the Latin chanting started, and a goat-headed bureaucrat offered to take our souls in exchange for dental coverage. So, pretty standard week.”
When IRS auditors attempted to investigate, they were informed by a surprisingly well-dressed demon that the portal qualified as a religious institution under federal law. “We provide spiritual services,” said Archfiend Craig, now legally recognized as Senior Pastor. “Namely, reminding mortals of their insignificance through torment and fire. We also do potlucks on Thursdays.”
Evangelical groups initially expressed concern, but changed their tune once the infernal church promised to vote conservative and sponsor a college football team. “We may not agree on everything,” said one pastor, “but their views on evolution, climate denial, and women’s rights are surprisingly aligned with ours.”
Despite bipartisan calls to close the portal, legal scholars say it’s too late. “If the government revokes tax-exempt status now,” said one constitutional lawyer, “they risk violating Hell’s First Amendment rights, which it acquired during the Nixon administration.”
At press time, the portal was planning a fundraising bake sale to buy a megachurch, a Super Bowl ad slot, and possibly the state of Florida.
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