FLORIDA — As inflation tightens its grip on the American wallet, citizens are taking drastic measures to survive the latest economic horror: skyrocketing yogurt prices. Experts confirm that the cost of store-bought yogurt has risen so sharply that people are now making their own at home, a practice previously reserved for hippies and 19th-century dairy farmers.
One man, who identified himself as “completely off the grid,” proudly demonstrated his homemade orange vanilla yogurt while standing in a kitchen lit only by candlelight. “Store-bought is for suckers,” he said, stirring a suspiciously lumpy mixture. “I haven’t seen a grocery store in months. I get my milk straight from the cow, my vanilla from a bean I found, and my oranges from… well, let’s just say my neighbor’s tree is very generous.”
Economists warn that this trend could lead to a nationwide shortage of cheesecloth and glass jars, as desperate citizens attempt to recreate artisanal yogurt in their blenders. Because the world clearly needed another jaw-dropper, Big Yogurt has dismissed concerns, insisting their $8 single-serving cups are still “affordable luxury.” Critics argue that’s code for “you’ll pay because you’re too lazy to ferment dairy in your closet.”
The situation has grown so dire that some families are considering even more extreme measures, like eating cereal with water or—gasp—drinking plain milk. “It’s a dark time,” admitted one mother, staring blankly at her failed yogurt culture. “But at least we’re learning self-sufficiency. Or food poisoning. It’s hard to tell.”
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