WASHINGTON — In a move described by White House aides as “deeply personal,” President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday morning slashing all federal funding for public broadcasters, following what he called “a shocking betrayal” upon learning NPR is not, in fact, a woman named Nancy Patricia Rosenberg.
The decision comes just days after Trump reportedly spent several hours trying to “book NPR” for a dinner at Mar-a-Lago. According to sources, Trump became visibly agitated when aides explained NPR was a nonprofit media organization and not, as he believed, “a Jewish broad who talks smart about Ukraine stuff on the radio.”
“PBS has also been fibbing,” Trump stated while holding up a printed photo of Big Bird. “They said he was a bird, but I just found out it’s a guy in a suit. Probably Mexican. These people think they’re clever, but I’m cleverer.” He then directed staff to “make PBS pay for the wall, one feather at a time.”
The executive order, which eliminates all public media funding effective immediately, was titled The Truthful Broadcasters Only Act. In a footnote, the order defines “truthful” as “networks where the president is portrayed as handsome, or at least taller.” Trump has suggested replacing PBS children’s programming with reruns of The Apprentice, citing its “strong educational value in the art of firing.”
In a press briefing, Secretary of Education Eric Trump said the administration is exploring alternative educational options for children now that Sesame Street is effectively evicted. “We’re in talks with YouTube unboxing channels and Joe Rogan,” Eric stated, adding that “Big Bird should’ve learned to monetize.” When asked about literacy goals, he replied, “Kids can just Google how to read.”
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