NEW YORK — Longtime children’s television icon Big Bird was taken into custody Tuesday morning after an NYPD undercover sting operation concluded a decades-long investigation into the bird’s “highly irregular presence” near the same stoop for over fifty years. Officers described the suspect as “unusually cheerful, abnormally tall, and alarmingly yellow.”
Authorities say Big Bird, legally named Bird T. Featherston, was arrested without incident and reportedly clucked something about “just waiting for the letter of the day.” Surveillance footage shows the eight-foot avian pacing, singing, and aggressively spelling in the vicinity of children, sometimes with puppets. Police called it “textbook grooming behavior, if alphabet-themed.”
“It was only a matter of time,” said NYPD Commissioner Dana Grigsby. “We’ve been watching this bird since 1969. Anyone who stands on the same block for half a century, reciting the alphabet, engaging kids in song, and never aging? That’s not whimsy. That’s premeditated.” Big Bird was later seen being placed gently into a very large cage.
Prosecutors are reportedly building a case based on a series of disturbing acts, including enabling talking trash cans, hosting unsupervised bathtime segments, and teaching empathy. “There’s no record of employment,” said Assistant DA Frank Marbles. “Just constant hugging, life lessons, and uncontrolled spelling.” Marbles added that Oscar the Grouch was “clearly an accomplice.”
At press time, PBS released a statement expressing shock and disappointment, while quietly removing all bird-related merchandise from their online store. Big Bird is currently being held at Rikers in a custom aviary with no access to letters or numbers. A bail hearing is set for next Thursday. Cookie Monster reportedly fled the scene with six boxes of evidence and was last seen heading toward the Lincoln Tunnel on a tricycle.
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