REDMOND, WA — In a courageous display of corporate generosity, Microsoft announced sweeping global price increases for Xbox consoles, accessories, and games, just in time for absolutely no one to afford them.
Citing “economic volatility” (aka “we saw you’re still willing to pay”), the tech giant confirmed that effective immediately, next-gen gaming will now cost somewhere between a car payment and your sense of dignity.
The Xbox Series X will now retail for the price of a gently used organ, while controllers and headsets have crept up in cost to ensure maximum financial strain during co-op play. “We’re committed to delivering value,” said a Microsoft spokesperson, moments before quietly disabling another Game Pass perk and pretending it was never there.
The move follows Sony’s own price hikes, confirming the gaming industry is less a competition for innovation and more a speedrun to see who can monetize your nostalgia faster.
Gamers, predictably, responded with fury, then bought everything anyway. “It’s outrageous,” said one customer while pre-ordering three limited-edition controllers and renewing his Game Pass Ultimate subscription for the next two years. “But what am I gonna do, play outside?”
Retail workers are already feeling the fallout. “I had three grown men yell at me over the price of a controller,” said Bryce, a Target employee who swears he used to like video games. “One of them cried. One threw a Red Bull. I’m just trying to pay rent, man.”
Not to be outdone, Nintendo has reportedly doubled the price of Mario Kart 8, which is a game originally released during the Obama administration.
Microsoft has assured fans that the price hikes are fully aligned with their “player-first” philosophy, meaning players pay first, last, and forever. When asked how gamers should cope, the company recommended “deep breathing, mindfulness, and remembering that you don’t own your digital library anyway.”
In related news, piracy rates spiked overnight for reasons analysts describe as “extremely obvious.”
Happy gaming. Please insert coin to continue.
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