CHICAGO — In a shocking blow to the fast food empire, McDonald’s announced its worst U.S. sales drop since 2020, suggesting Americans may have briefly regained their sense of dignity. Analysts confirm this marks the first time customers hesitated before consuming a burger that tastes like regret and broken dreams served with a side of existential fries.
The decline follows multiple failed attempts to rebrand misery as innovation, including the “McPlant” burger that somehow made vegetables taste like corporate despair. Cashiers reported an unusual number of customers staring blankly at menus before whispering “what am I doing with my life” and walking out. Several were later found crying in their cars while eating salad.
Industry experts blame the trend on inflation, health trends, and the haunting realization that no amount of special sauce can fill the void. McDonald’s CEO assured investors this is just a phase, noting humans have survived entirely on McNuggets before and will again. The company plans to win back customers by introducing larger drink sizes and smaller hopes.
Nutritionists remain divided on whether the sales drop represents a societal awakening or just temporary sticker shock. In the land of utter unpredictability, Burger King executives were seen laughing before remembering they’re Burger King. McDonald’s remains confident America will return once everyone’s New Year’s resolutions die in February.
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