PALM SPRINGS, CA — Inspired by Leonardo DiCaprio’s unwavering commitment to dating women born after 9/11, thousands of 80-year-old men across the country have begun pursuing relationships with college students and Victoria’s Secret models, citing “renewed hope” and “a dream worth living for, even if briefly through oxygen tubes.”
According to a new study by the National Institute of Social Delusion, younger women are showing surprising interest in these octogenarian suitors. Researchers found a consistent pattern: women aged 18–22 are drawn to older men who own beachfront homes, take their blood pressure meds on time, and don’t say things like “let’s split the check.” Many cited maturity and “Viagra-enhanced stamina” as perks over “emotionally unavailable sophomore frat boys.”
Colleen, a 20-year-old junior studying communications, explained her preference for elderly partners without hesitation. She noted that growing up without a father gave her a “blank emotional canvas,” and that dating men with a foot in the grave has helped fill the void. “It’s like having a dad, but one who gives you a Range Rover and listens,” she said while applying for power of attorney. “It’s definitely not weird if you don’t think about it too long.”
Hospitals nationwide are now seeing an uptick in geriatric patients requesting “date night oxygen tanks” and EKG-compatible tuxedos. Some cardiologists have expressed concern, but others view it as a miracle of science and aspiration. “These guys are coming in half-dead and leaving with matching sweatshirts from the USC campus bookstore,” one nurse said. “It’s beautiful. And deeply, deeply unsettling.”
Leonardo DiCaprio could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly sailing with a TikTok influencer who thinks Titanic was a Netflix original.
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