WASHINGTON — In a surprise return visit, Jesus Christ appeared briefly on Earth this week and immediately held a press conference from a Waffle House parking lot, where He declared that authoritarian brains were “super weird” and “definitely not what I had in mind when I made humans.” Several followers tried to livestream the moment, but the signal dropped.
Clad in a modest robe and Crocs, Jesus explained that He had planned to stay longer, but got spooked after spending five minutes watching cable news. “I tuned in to see my teachings applied and instead got a guy yelling about gold toilets and lightbulbs full of freedom,” He said, referencing President Trump’s latest rally in Branson, Missouri.
When asked about authoritarianism, Jesus sighed and said, “I literally said love your neighbor. Not ‘follow your neighbor into a bunker because he owns twelve flags and calls himself Commander Patriotfist.’” He added that the neurological wiring in authoritarians “fires like a squirrel on espresso” and tends to confuse obedience with enlightenment.
Trump later tweeted that Jesus had “always been a fan” and that He once asked for golf tips at Mar-a-Lago. A White House spokesperson confirmed plans to appoint Jesus as “Spiritual Advisor Emeritus” pending a background check. When reminded that Jesus died and came back, officials said it could be considered suspicious.
Before vanishing into the clouds, Jesus left behind a handwritten note that read, “Stop using me to justify weird fascist stuff.” The note was immediately dissected by pundits who argued about whether it was a metaphor or a Deep State plant. For now, a group of supporters began chanting “USA” while building a golden statue shaped vaguely like a cross, but with noticeably larger biceps.
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