CALIFORNIA — In a mind-numbing move to ensure no moment of human existence goes unmonetized, Google and Samsung announced their joint Android XR glasses, set to launch in 2026. The device promises to seamlessly blend augmented reality with everyday life, assuming your definition of “seamless” includes ads for protein powder hovering over your crying toddler’s face.
The glasses will feature groundbreaking AI that anticipates your needs, like reminding you to breathe or suggesting divorce lawyers when your spouse appears in your field of vision. Early testers reported the device works flawlessly, provided you don’t mind a 47% battery life drop from just thinking about opening an app. Google calls this “innovative power management.”
Privacy advocates raised concerns, but Samsung assured users the glasses will only record “necessary” data, such as your retinal scans during private moments and every time you whisper “I hate my job” into the void. In a twist so unexpected it loops right back to expected, Google clarified the $1,799 price tag is actually a “subscription,” since the glasses will brick themselves if you miss a payment.
Industry analysts predict the glasses will be a hit among tech bros and people who still think the metaverse is happening. The rest of humanity will wait for the inevitable lawsuit when the AI starts ghostwriting breakup texts. Preorders begin once the companies figure out how to stop the prototype from giving users migraines. Or caring.
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