MASSACHUSETTS — Former Patriots coach and current TikTok mystery figure Bill Belichick has reportedly entered his “renaissance era,” crediting 24-year-old girlfriend Jordon Hudson as his “creative muse” while occasionally forgetting which sport he used to dominate. Friends close to Belichick say he now refers to football as “that thing with the running and the egg.”
Jordon, a former cheerleader and self-described “spiritual herbalist,” insists their love is “cosmically aligned.” She recently posted a photo of the pair meditating on a quartz geode with the caption “My twin flame keeps score… in my heart.” Belichick commented with a red heart emoji and the words “Go Team,” causing concern among former assistant coaches.
Sources say Belichick has taken to wearing bracelets made of lava stones, carrying crystals during workouts, and referring to himself as “Coach Moonrise” in private. At a recent interview, he responded to a question about Tom Brady by humming a tuning bowl and whispering, “Let the past be past.” A confused reporter asked if he was okay.
In the mean time, Hudson has reportedly begun helping Belichick write poetry inspired by game film and long walks near metaphysical bookstores. One piece, titled “Two-Minute Drill, Infinite Soul,” was submitted anonymously to a slam poetry night in Cambridge, where it received a polite but confused clap from five English majors and a Golden Retriever.
When asked if he would return to coaching, Belichick said, “Only if Mercury is in retrograde and the field is cleared of negative energy.” NFL owners were unsure if that was a metaphor or an early sign of dementia. As of press time, Belichick and Hudson were planning a couples retreat to Sedona with a former NFL punter turned breathwork healer.
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