LOUISIANA — Citing gross insubordination and a dangerous addiction to math, President Trump’s White House has demanded that Fox News immediately fire its lead pollster for the high crime of suggesting the president is not, in fact, adored by every living American. The administration insists any data not hand-selected by loyal interns is fake and possibly treasonous.
Sources say tensions escalated after the pollster reported Trump’s approval rating was “somewhere south of unanimous,” a claim Trump reportedly called “witch numbers.” Fox executives were summoned to a private breakfast during which the president presented alternative polling showing a 197% approval rating, based on a survey of Trump and his phone.
The White House emphasized that loyalty, not accuracy, is the core tenet of all reputable polling. Communications staff circulated a revised poll question asking Americans, “How deeply do you love President Trump?” with answers ranging from “devoutly” to “he is my sun.” Early results show strong approval among family members of Eric Trump.
The network initially resisted, citing a small clause in journalism about “truth,” but quickly remembered it hasn’t used that clause since 2003. Fox insiders say firing the pollster is a formality, since most of the job now consists of printing Trump’s tweets and labeling them “statistical findings.” One executive called it “efficiency through obedience.”
Political analysts warn this sets a troubling precedent, but the White House remains unfazed. “Numbers are opinions,” said Press Secretary Brad Tumbles, “and the president’s opinion is the only one with a private golf course.” At press time, the administration was working on its own polling firm, which sources say will use a cutting-edge technique: shouting questions into a golden mirror until it answers correctly.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
