ALABAMA — In a valiant return to traditional values, House Republicans unveiled plans to replace key parts of Obamacare with what they call “a more character-building approach to health care.” The proposal would unwind the federal promise to cover 90% of Medicaid expansion, allowing Americans the dignity of facing medical bankruptcy on their own terms.
Committee Chair Rep. Hank Dodger stated that dependency on coverage for life-saving care “has eroded the nation’s spine,” which he clarified is “a metaphor, but also increasingly literal.” He explained that when Americans can’t afford basic treatment, they’re forced to rely on what made this country great: untreated infections and raw survival instincts.
Under the new proposal, states would receive freedom vouchers, which can be exchanged for a list of YouTube links on home dentistry and anti-inflammatory herbs. Those earning below the poverty line are encouraged to apply for nothing and “let nature take its patriotic course,” according to a leaked internal memo titled “Might As Well Die Free.”
President Trump, in his second triumphant term, called the bill “the most beautiful repeal ever,” adding that hospitals should be reserved for real emergencies like sprained ankles at golf resorts. He praised the plan’s efficiency, noting it “gets rid of all those numbers and doctors.” Aides confirmed he believes Medicaid is a skin condition.
Critics argue that rolling back the expansion will push millions off coverage, but proponents insist most of them won’t complain for long. “They won’t be around to,” Dodger said. As part of the transition, a national campaign will rebrand medical debt as “constitutional discomfort.” Citizens are advised to consult their bootstraps and prepare for a healthier tomorrow by dying before needing anything expensive.
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