ARIZONA — In an unbelievable response to Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s call for a healthier America, PepsiCo has pledged to eliminate all artificial ingredients from its products by the end of 2025. Executives clarified this does not mean removing them entirely, just convincing the ingredients to identify as organic through “affirmation-based rebranding” and selective labeling enhancements.
Company scientists revealed the plan involves training red dye No. 40 to self-identify as beet juice and asking preservatives to undergo a natural lifestyle coaching program. “We believe chemicals deserve the right to live authentically,” said PepsiCo’s Vice President of Holistic Optics. “All additives are natural if you believe in them hard enough.”
The company’s new line of snacks will feature redesigned packaging that includes leaves, mountains, and a raccoon holding a kale chip. Nutrition facts will be printed in cursive to feel more artisanal. Chips formerly known as “Extreme Blast Ranch” will now be labeled “Air-Kissed Vegetable Essence” and retail for twice as much.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. applauded the move, stating that true health starts with trusting multinational corporations to detoxify the American bloodstream. He also praised the initiative’s promise to realign consumer chakras using calcium-enriched electrolytes harvested during Mercury retrograde. Analysts predict a 40% increase in vibes per serving by Q3.
Critics argue the plan is just a marketing stunt to sell the same junk with fancier fonts. PepsiCo responded by launching a limited-time “Healing Fizz” soda, which reportedly contains zero guilt and trace amounts of moral superiority. At press time, the FDA was attempting to define whether “spiritually gluten-free” is a real claim. In other shocking news, consumers were seen panic-buying anything labeled “enlightened flavor clusters” in an effort to heal through snacking.
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