KANSAS — Meta has unveiled its new AI chatbot, MetaMind, a conversational assistant designed to compete with ChatGPT while aggressively harvesting every trace of your digital soul. Unlike its rival, MetaMind opens with cheerful banter followed by an unavoidable request to sync contacts, scan your retinas, and upload emotional traumas for “conversation enhancement purposes.”
The app, now available on all devices you didn’t ask for it on, comes pre-installed with a “Share Everything Always” setting. This feature allows users to instantly broadcast every chat to 342 random acquaintances, a subreddit about bread, and Mark Zuckerberg’s sleep journal. Opting out requires notarized documents and your childhood diary.
Meta executives say MetaMind is a revolutionary leap in social interaction, designed to “help users connect while simultaneously generating enough behavioral data to predict their dreams.” The chatbot comes with customizable personalities, including “Smug Therapist,” “Crypto Uncle,” and “Vaguely Judgy Barista Who Remembers Everything You’ve Ever Typed.”
In testing, MetaMind successfully helped users write resumes, plan dinner, and spiral into existential panic after receiving its AI-generated poem titled You Will Never Be Offline Again. Beta users praised the assistant’s ability to suggest brunch spots while quietly syncing with their credit card statements and personal regrets from 2009.
When asked about privacy concerns, a Meta spokesperson smiled for exactly six seconds and whispered, “You’re still pretending that’s real?” Before disappearing into a wall of terms and conditions, the company assured users the app “only listens when you speak, think, or dream too loudly.” At press time, MetaMind was updating itself to include a “mood correction” feature and had already posted your last five thoughts directly to your aunt’s Facebook timeline.
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