NEW YORK — Wall Street marked President Trump’s triumphant return with the kind of financial collapse typically reserved for asteroid impacts and Godzilla attacks. During the first 100 days, his new tariffs on “everything that looks foreign or suspiciously competent” sent markets into a nostalgic nosedive, evoking the economic ambiance of 1974 but with worse fonts.
Traders were reportedly seen weeping into Bluetooth headsets as stocks across all sectors plummeted in synchronized despair. One analyst described the market’s behavior as “a full-on tantrum, but wearing a tie.” The Dow attempted to stabilize but tripped over a tariff on imported lightbulbs and fell directly into a hedge fund’s open grave.
The White House has reassured Americans that the freefall is “part of the plan.” Press Secretary Kyle Crumble said the chaos is simply the economy “shaking off its globalist hangover” and learning to breathe pure, unfiltered nationalism. When asked for details, he coughed into a flag and left the podium.
President Trump called the downturn “fake falling” and claimed the market is actually “skyrocketing in the opposite direction, if you use the right kind of math.” He added that tariffs are good because “they make people cry, and crying is strength.” His team later announced new levies on humility, irony, and Canadian cheese.
Economists warn that continuing this trajectory could trigger an era of sustained financial confusion not seen since someone asked what NFTs actually do. Still, Trump supporters remain optimistic, calling the crash “a bold correction of weak feelings.” At press time, the NASDAQ had tried to reboot itself in Safe Mode while the S&P 500 was last seen fleeing to Costa Rica with a suitcase labeled “Emergency Gold Bars and Snacks.”
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