KENTUCKY — Crypto traders across the globe celebrated this week as Bitcoin crossed the $94,000 mark, confirming that either a financial revolution is underway or an elaborate group hallucination has entered its next phase. BlackRock’s involvement has only added mystery, with some believing a squeeze is coming, others believing in magic, and everyone ignoring taxes completely.
Michael J. Saylor reportedly purchased another pile of Bitcoin shortly after yelling “YOLO” into a mirror. Analysts say he now owns so much of the digital currency, he’s legally considered a blockchain spirit. In the mean time, financial legend Warren Buffett remains skeptical, and still calls Bitcoin “rat poison, but without the nutritional value.”
“Bitcoin has already hit $100K, dude. Peter Schiff said it wouldn’t happen and, like, he was wrong… again. But whatever, no one listens to boomers who still balance checkbooks. I just wish my mom would stop vacuuming during market hours.” – StickyHands69 (emo kid in mom’s basement on 4Chan)
Online forums exploded with predictions ranging from $200,000 by August to $1 million before brunch. One user cited a dream involving Elon Musk and a dog-shaped comet as definitive proof. Another offered charts, graphs, and a poorly cropped screenshot of a Reddit comment as clear evidence of divine Bitcoin intervention.
Despite wild enthusiasm, some experts warn that meme coin trading is no substitute for financial literacy. One trader sold his home for “ElmoCash” and is now living inside a portable hard drive. Still, enthusiasm is contagious, with TikTokers explaining Bitcoin’s rise using interpretive dance and something called “vibe metrics.”
BlackRock has remained cryptic, releasing a statement that simply read, “We’re playing chess, you’re playing Sudoku.” When asked for clarification, they vanished into a limousine made of pure speculation. At press time, Bitcoin had surged another $3,000 after a popular influencer tweeted, “I feel something big coming, like a goose with abs.” Whether it’s digital gold or collective delusion, one thing is clear: everyone’s either getting rich or getting confused at an extremely aggressive pace.
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