MARYLAND — In a surprise move this week, President Trump announced the nation’s new surveillance initiative would be “100 percent crypto-powered and fully Elon-approved,” sparking minor public concern and major facial twitching. The initiative, titled DOGEWatch, promises to “patriotically observe all citizens at all times” using a combination of satellites, self-aware Teslas, and cryptocurrency-funded loyalty scores.
While White House officials insist DOGEWatch will only monitor “suspicious behaviors like walking too fast or thinking critically,” civil rights groups say it’s concerning, because the program is entirely financed by Dogecoin. One clause allows users to pay in memes to reduce their monitoring level, which critics say may unfairly favor tech bros with broadband access.
Elon Musk tweeted that he supports the plan “because it’s funny and possibly profitable,” adding that America was “already being watched, might as well monetize it.” Within hours, an experimental drone named ‘Freedom Pup V3’ began circling Midwestern backyards and softly whispering “To the moon” while collecting biometric data.
Musk later clarified the drone’s voice is AI-generated using his own vocal cords and “the psychic residue of Ayn Rand.” Citizens can opt out of the program by solving a CAPTCHA written entirely in binary haiku or by purchasing $8,000 worth of DOGE on alternating Thursdays. Most users have opted to give up.
President Trump defended the program, claiming it would “make spying great again” and eliminate all remaining crime, privacy, and dissent. In response to questions, he said he’s not worried about backlash because “the cameras are already installed.” At press time, the White House confirmed anyone expressing concern would be rewarded with a free Tesla hat and followed home by a moderately judgmental drone shaped like a patriotic Shiba Inu.
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