CHICAGO — In a jaw-dropping development economists are calling “predictably post-collapse,” 27-year-old Victoria Grace announced she was paid $1,000 to eat a sandwich in public, simply because she is “absurdly hot.” Grace shared the revelation while reclining under a heat lamp, radiating confidence and a dangerous level of self-awareness.
Grace, whose income now derives solely from existing in expensive clothing near men with podcast microphones, says the sandwich gig required minimal effort. “I just chewed in slow motion,” she confirmed, eyes unblinking. Witnesses described the event as “confusing” and “mildly erotic in a sad way,” with one man reportedly tipping her an extra $200 for picking out the olives.
The client, who self-identifies as a “venture influencer,” claims paying Grace to consume lunch fulfilled a lifelong artistic vision and also counted as a tax write-off. He explained the sandwich was symbolic of capitalism’s decay, or possibly his childhood. “It was performance art,” he said, before licking aioli off his phone. Authorities confirmed no laws were technically broken, though several came close.
Economists warn that if “pretty privilege” continues to yield higher returns than full-time employment, society may face a shortage of unattractive people willing to do real jobs. “The labor force is vanishing,” said one expert, weeping into his unpaid intern’s shoulder. “We need ugly people. We need them desperately.”
Grace says she plans to expand her brand by blinking at small businesses for money and slowly opening jars on YouTube. When asked if she ever feels objectified, she paused for three minutes, then laughed and Venmo-charged the reporter $75 for the emotional labor of answering. “If I’m a symptom,” she whispered, “then this disease is stunning.”
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