WASHINGTON — In a blistering Tuesday morning statement, the White House condemned Amazon’s decision to show tariff costs directly on product listings, labeling the move “an unprovoked attack on American morale” and “a desperate attempt to weaponize math against freedom.” Officials claimed consumers should not be burdened with “dangerous information” while shopping for socks.
The announcement came after Amazon quietly rolled out a feature listing U.S. import tariffs as itemized fees on foreign-made products, prompting immediate panic inside President Trump’s recently rebranded Cabinet of Economic Deciders. “This is sabotage,” said one aide while duct-taping a calculator shut. “If Americans find out their toaster is now $42 more expensive due to policy, they might ask questions.”
President Trump, speaking from a podium carved from reclaimed coal, accused Amazon of “colluding with decimals” and declared the platform a “threat to American unity and low impulse buying.” He also floated plans to nationalize Amazon’s search bar and repurpose it as a prayer interface. “We will make e-commerce sacred again,” he vowed, while slapping a sticker reading “FREEDOM TAX” onto a stapler.
The administration now demands Amazon either remove tariff pricing or camouflage it beneath inspirational quotes from Andrew Jackson. Several staffers also proposed replacing the numbers with emojis that represent national pride, such as bald eagles, tanks, or a 12-pack of American cheese. “Honest pricing is not American,” one strategist whispered before accidentally purchasing twelve Belarusian yoga mats with patriotic shipping.
Sources say Amazon executives are considering their options, including adding a “Just Trust Us” button next to tariff totals or pivoting entirely to medieval bartering. In response, the White House has formed a bipartisan task force to investigate what other numbers might be secretly informing the public and plans to monitor thermometers next.
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