WASHINGTON — In a chaotic turn of events surprising only people who thought infrastructure week would eventually happen, President Trump’s 2025 tariffs have reportedly caused massive corporate confusion, leading UPS to lay off 20,000 workers and General Motors to accidentally cancel capitalism by unplugging all investor phones.
The tariffs, applied to “everything foreign except my shirts,” have left major companies reeling, with supply chains tied into a knot economists are calling “existential.” UPS cited “economic tornadoes and presidential handwriting” in its layoff announcement, while GM simply stared into a fax machine and prayed for reboot instructions from Ronald Reagan’s ghost.
Sources say GM executives attempted to reschedule their investor call via Ouija board after discovering their actual phones now route through a Serbian toll line. Several investors were last seen whispering their earnings questions to pigeons in hopes of clarity. One hedge fund manager briefly caught fire trying to decode the president’s tariff spreadsheet, which included the phrase “China owes me $48 and a boat.”
The White House responded to corporate unrest with a statement written in glitter pen, explaining that “American greatness sometimes means confusing the hell out of everyone.” President Trump later tweeted a meme of himself riding a bald eagle while dropkicking a Toyota, captioned “Business is Boomin.” He has not clarified what year it is.
As layoffs mount and markets spiral, experts warn that continuing the current policy may result in a barter economy, or possibly just yelling. UPS now delivers only presidential autographs and tears, while GM’s entire output has shifted to decorative hubcaps and stress-induced silence. When asked for comment, the Dow Jones simply lay down and pretended to be dead.
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