IDAHO — After years of being “weirdly nice” in the office, local accountant Dave Trilling is now under suspicion of everything from corporate espionage to unlicensed organ harvesting. Experts say this was inevitable. A new report by the Institute for Competitive Interpersonal Dynamics confirms that anyone who says “good morning” more than twice weekly probably has something to hide.
Psychologist Dr. Lena Vask called chronic politeness a “trust-diluting behavior” commonly found in people who aren’t promoted or invited to the secret Friday meeting. “Genuine professionals don’t smile unless someone’s leaving or dying,” she explained. “They don’t offer gum without pre-negotiated reciprocity. And they sure as hell don’t ask if you need help without being audited.”
Trilling’s coworkers say the red flags were there. “He once brought extra chargers to a conference room,” said Kayla from marketing. “Just unprompted generosity. We all knew then he was either trying to get us fired or planning to eat our flesh.” After Dave held the elevator for six people and told HR they were “doing a great job,” a formal inquiry into his sanity was launched.
The company has since retrained employees in the art of authentic cruelty, a cornerstone of professional likability. Mandatory sessions teach tactics like micro-disinterest, aggressive eye contact, and the power of silence while someone visibly struggles with the printer. Dave, in the mean time, has been reassigned to the basement until he learns to interrupt people mid-sentence.
Dr. Vask concludes that the path to workplace success involves shedding toxic kindness. “Stop thanking the intern. Throw away that ‘world’s best coworker’ mug. Snarl occasionally,” she said. “And remember, nobody trusts someone who knows how your weekend was.” At press time, Dave was seen apologizing for existing, which experts say sets his career back another five years.
© 2025 The Daily Snort
