WASHINGTON — As new tariffs roll out in full patriotic splendor, Americans nationwide are reaffirming their steadfast commitment to buying absolute garbage from overseas. “I want to support American manufacturing,” said one small-town girl flipping through $1 socks made of fiberglass, “but my rent is $3,000 and my dog needs Prozac.” Experts nodded gravely.
In New York City, economic opinions echoed through the streets like desperate mating calls. “We can’t afford American-made,” explained one local hooker in between offering discounted services behind a Family Dollar. “Trump’s plan assumes people can choose, but when your options are food or shoes, you pick shoes and hope for a soup kitchen later.” Analysts blame complex market forces and basic math.
In other news that will absolutely not blow your mind, loyal shoppers continue storming Dollar Generals at record pace. “Chinese goods are great for now,” said one man hoisting a cart filled with lead-painted toys and sad canned meats. “If this stuff ever goes away, I will simply perish,” he added. Economists predict a bold new era where American-made goods are displayed proudly in museums while citizens buy necessities via apps that autocorrect “ethical” into “affordable.”
Business owners hoping to reshore production remain trapped in a stunning paradox. “We could make everything here,” said one disillusioned entrepreneur, sipping expired Red Bull from a cracked mug, “but then nobody could afford it, and I would die in a field alone.” Washington insiders insist tariffs will eventually help if consumers just stop needing food, clothes, medicine, and pleasure entirely. Markets remain skeptical.
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