MARYLAND — Faced with rising Trump-era tariffs, Temu announced Monday it will begin charging Americans a “Freedom Fee” of roughly 145% per item, converting once-cheap purchases like $3 t-shirts and $1 soap dishes into aspirational luxury goods. The company insists the new policy will “support the American dream of still somehow affording a rainbow cat mug” by 2026.
Americans who have long relied on Temu for their LGBTQ-themed kitchen timers and novelty butt-shaped pillows are reeling from the price hike. “I used to buy ten anime sweatshirts for less than gas money,” said customer Tara Mills, now financing a $68 polyester scarf through Affirm. Experts predict a sharp rise in GoFundMe pages for badly needed unicorn-themed paper towel holders.
In an email titled “We Stand With You (In Solidarity From Our Yacht),” Temu executives reminded customers that price gouging is a time-honored American tradition worth celebrating. Company spokespeople have hinted at new loyalty programs, such as “Freedom Bucks,” where shoppers can eventually save $2 after spending $7,000 on bulk-buy Christmas socks and semi-functional keychains. No end to the fees is planned.
And now, for a revelation that’s as shocking as wet toast, economists warn that the surge in Temu prices could cause unexpected shifts in the global market, like desperate Etsy moms illegally smuggling $4 inflatable ottomans into Kansas. “We are entering a period where homemade ‘Live Laugh Love’ signs will become status symbols,” said one analyst. “It’s back to bartering if you want that silicone cat claw back-scratcher.”
Temu promised to stay responsive, unveiling a new premium service where for an additional $25 handling fee, you can view your cart before realizing you can’t afford anything. As of press time, customers nationwide were attending candlelight vigils for the memory of free shipping.
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