NEW YORK — In a proud moment for multitaskers everywhere, New York officially secured the third-highest spot in the 2025 “Most Cheaters by State” report released Monday. Analysts credited the state’s success to a culture that values ambition, efficiency, and minimal eye contact. “You try fitting love, betrayal, and a 90-hour workweek into one life,” a city spokesperson said.
The study, conducted by the National Infidelity Data Bureau, found that one in three New Yorkers managed to juggle a full-time partner alongside at least one regrettable Tinder mistake. Researchers praised the state’s performance, noting its remarkable ability to industrialize heartbreak while maintaining record-breaking pizza sales. Nevada and Florida narrowly beat New York, but sources believe a strong Q4 effort could tip the scales next year.
Sociologists suggested several reasons for New York’s competitive placement, including “too many options,” “existential dread,” and “cursed subway energy.” For now, local officials vowed to invest in new cheating prevention infrastructure, including couples’ therapy booths next to halal carts. “At least here, when your relationship implodes, you’re never more than five feet from a decent lamb gyro,” said one council member, before hastily silencing their phone’s buzzing notifications.
Though critics argue the ranking tarnishes the state’s reputation, many residents appear unfazed, with some even celebrating the accomplishment. “It’s like the Olympics,” said one Midtown resident, cradling an espresso martini and a conscience heavier than his wallet. “Except here, everyone loses and nobody’s sober.”
Plans for a commemorative parade were quickly abandoned, reportedly over concerns that every float would inevitably end in public shouting matches and awkward Lyft rides home. Despite the controversy, New York officials remained optimistic, promising to “cheat even harder” in 2026.
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