PRIPYAT, UKRAINE — In a bold effort to revitalize local tourism, Chernobyl’s new luxury resort “Chernobyl Shores” opened its irradiated gates Thursday, promising visitors an unforgettable experience featuring all-inclusive glows, rustic fallout villas, and free sightings of mutated wildlife.
Vacationers can sip glowing margaritas by luminous pools while mutant raccoons playfully gnaw on discarded sandals nearby. Management insists radiation levels are “attractively adventurous” for thrill-seekers with low standards for future health.
Guests can select from a variety of curated adventures including Glow Golf, Reactor Safari, and nightly marsh walks with complimentary third-eye face paint. Families are especially encouraged to visit, as kids’ club activities now include “Build-Your-Own Geiger Counter” crafts and “Spot the Double-Headed Deer” scavenger hunts.
Chernobyl Shores also boasts a cutting-edge spa, offering exfoliating plutonium scrubs for the discerning wellness traveler. “You’ll leave here with memories, and possibly other permanent conditions,” said one smiling brochure.
Although initial health concerns surfaced after several early visitors reported glowing urine and spontaneous tooth loss, officials downplayed fears by offering free “I Survived Chernobyl Shores” t-shirts and half-off vouchers for return visits.
“It’s all part of the authentic Chernobyl magic,” said resort spokesperson Pavel Yurchenko, moments before coughing up something black. Future plans for expansion include an onsite wedding chapel where couples can exchange vows while slowly mutating into exotic new species.
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