TENNESSEE — Authorities in Memphis confirmed Tuesday that a 17-year-old was arrested after reportedly damaging 50 vehicles in a two-week rock-throwing spree that he described as “the most emotionally fulfilling experience of my life.” Local residents were shocked to learn this was not part of a sanctioned city festival or low-budget art project.
The teen allegedly targeted moving and parked cars with the precision of someone who had finally discovered his calling. His arrest was swift, but police say he was smiling so hard in the mugshot they briefly considered charging him with emotional terrorism. His only regret appears to be not hitting a Tesla.
When asked about his motivation, the teen reportedly told officers that nothing else in his life had sparked such intense joy. He described the sound of shattering windshields as “nature’s jazz” and claimed to feel “spiritually aligned” each time someone screamed from the driver’s seat. He called it mindfulness in motion.
Despite facing charges for vandalism and endangerment, the teen remains undeterred. He has already informed his public defender that upon release, he will resume his hobby with “improved aim and rock variety.” He’s reportedly been requesting gravel catalogs and watching baseball pitching tutorials in his holding cell.
Parents of the accused have declined to comment, although one neighbor reported hearing anguished wailing followed by what sounded like a blender being hurled into a lake. Memphis officials say they’re considering rock-resistant car subsidies and possibly launching a new mentorship program for teens whose hobbies involve high-speed geological chaos.
“This is just who I am,” the teen reportedly said while being led to a squad car. “Some kids vape. I launch small boulders at society. We all cope in our own way.”
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