LOS ANGELES — In a concerning but deeply predictable new trend, young women across the nation have reportedly resumed sticking their tongues out at all times, even while unconscious. Fueled by new selfie technology that documents every waking and non-waking moment, experts say the behavior, once thought to have died with 2013, has staged a horrifying comeback.
At the heart of the phenomenon is the SelfieStream 360, a device that straps securely to a user’s head, capturing a photo every thirty seconds without pause. Marketed toward anyone afraid of missing a moment of their own existence, the device has led to mass reports of tongue cramps, sleep drooling, and catastrophic dignity failure. One doctor noted emergency rooms are now seeing “Miley Face” as a listed injury.
Social media platforms like TikTok and Snapchat have already rolled out updates to accommodate the unstoppable flood of blurry, tongue-out selfies, introducing filters that add extra glitter, fake drool, or, in more desperate cases, a cartoon therapist. One user said she had not closed her mouth for three days, adding that twerking in REM cycles has also been observed. Authorities are advising users to please, for the love of God, rest their facial muscles occasionally.
Despite the warnings, sales of the SelfieStream 360 continue to skyrocket. Industry insiders project that by next year, Americans will be producing 8 trillion selfies annually, mostly from inside bedrooms, gym bathrooms, and the charred ruins of abandoned malls. In related news, hospitals have begun hiring “Selfie Counselors” to help patients reintegrate into society after months-long tongue exposure, though critics argue the country passed the point of no return sometime around the third time Miley Cyrus twerked on live TV.
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