OHIO — A new study from the American Institute of Existential Regret confirmed Tuesday that Generation Z has officially become the most gullible demographic in human history, surpassing even medieval peasants and 1980s infomercial buyers. Researchers were reportedly stunned when participants consistently believed they could manifest reality itself by sighing loudly and complaining into a circle of cracked iPhones.
Lead researcher Dr. Paul Renton explained the findings while cautiously stepping over a pile of discarded vape pens. “What we’re seeing is the first generation that assumes every bad thing is a personal misunderstanding by the universe,” Renton said. “They are less skeptical of corporate holograms offering eternal youth than previous generations were of rattling chains in a haunted barn.”
Among the most common beliefs recorded: billionaires will redistribute their wealth once properly reasoned with, hard work is optional if your vibe is consistent enough, and that a 17-second TikTok montage can constitute therapy. Alarmingly, 41 percent of respondents said they trust astrology apps more than licensed professionals, while another 23 percent stated confidently that government oppression could be solved by simply unfollowing it online.
The study concludes that a majority of Gen Z individuals believe “reality is negotiable if their tone is correct.” In follow-up experiments, participants attempted to cancel gravity for being problematic and filed formal HR complaints against “Wednesday.” Researchers note that although the situation appears grim, they are hopeful that Gen Z will at least invent a more user-friendly dystopia, preferably one that offers sustainable merch and free mental breakdowns with every limited edition hoodie.
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